Why I stopped singing.. (did I hear someone say thankfully?!!)

When I was a kid, I used to sing a lot.. at the age of 7 I had even performed in front of 50 people at an informal function, on stage... one of my family's closest friends, who was a great singer himself, said to my mom once 'let me keep your daughter... I will make her into a great singer'...! What do u know, I could have been winning Indian idol or something, been a celebrity (minor if not a major one!)...

But all that was long back.. call it laziness to do 'riyaaz' every day for 2 or 3 hrs (at the least), call it losing focus in life, or plain dumbness at not nurturing my talent.. whatever it was.. over the years I turned my attention more towards dancing and learning percussion instruments (like tabla, mridangam etc) instead of singing... but I still sang at informal get-togethers without creating much of a fuss ('Gao beta gao'!)...

Then one day, I just stopped singing.. and over time people began to think I couldn't sing because I always said 'no'.. people would say 'all girls know how to sing, why don't u?' and make nasty comments..

But why? .. Ok, I was never Lata Mangeshkar, but I did, and still do, have a sense of tune and rhythm.. my voice is a little unconventional (like most other things about me) and not the run-of-the-mill sweet angel type (which are good too, but filmy).. u can say its more suited to ghazals and slow romantic songs rather than the usual bollywood stuff.. so one day we had a family gathering in Delhi where my mom's side of the family was present.. my great-grandmother (mom's nani) was also there, and she was known to be strict, direct and very forthright.. as usual there was a singing session and I was asked to sing something.. I remember I sang 'Jhuki jhuki see nazar' by Jagjit Singh and I thought I had sung it decently.. but when I finished my great-g'mother commented 'shayad gala kharab hai, isliye aawaz baithee baithee sunayee de rahi hai' to some of the other relatives in an attempt to justify what she thought was a bad rendition!! Oh well, I heard that and felt so miserably insulted and hurt that I resolved never ever to sing again! I was 16, at a very impressionable and vulnerable age and took a light-hearted comment to heart!

And to this day, although I hold absolutely no grudge against my great-g'mother, I do not like to sing in public.. my bathroom, car and bedroom are my singing-havens, but never when there is another person around! We get into certain grooves in life, sometimes we become resentful of the act which brought about any kind of humiliation upon us, and we imprint it so deep in our minds that it takes long to get over it!

Recently, my mom's music teacher made me sit in front of both of them (forcibly) and asked me to sing a ghazal. When I did, he exclaimed about how I had great potential (STILL!), and my mom was beaming as usual, hoping I will get over my self-inflicted self-doubt with these encouraging words.. but it has yet to happen..

.. I think I should seriously consider getting back to learning music.. after all, we get one life (or many) which we should utilize to the fullest!