Last evening while driving back from office, I was thinking about someone (let's call her W) whom I don't like much... I was considering our relationship, the stuff that she had said to me before, her actions that had hurt me and what I thought of her now, after so many years.. and suddenly I have this poignant question in my mind.. its not vicious, its not spiteful, its just a matter-of-fact question which came to my head "will I shed a tear if she dies?, like if she dies today, would I feel bad about it?"... this random thought occurs, and obviously I brush it aside and divert my mind to other things..
At that time, I didn't have the radio on so I didn't know that that the bomb blasts had just happened in Mumbai... I casually call my friend up to know his plans for the evening when he tells me about the blasts.. I get back home as soon as possible and get to know the locations of these blasts...
And then I realise.. one of the places where the blast occured is where W lives! And as far as I could remember she took the local trains to commute! I dial her number and predictably, I cant get through.. all lines are jammed since I am too late to get in touch with anyone...
And then guilt sets in.. why, why did such a horrible thought come to me, just one hr back? Could something have happened to her?? Do the mundane things in someone's behaviour like being rude and spiteful hold them back from being cried for?? Do these little misunderstandings really matter in the face of losing someone forever?! I suddenly thought about how we keep holding onto the negative things in life forever and forget someone's kindnesses.. and never get around to knowing the person better and forgiving them and understanding that they didn't mean what they said.. and maybe one day it's too late.. they aren't around for you to forgive..
And with this, what W had said/done didn't matter at all as long as she was just alive.. and life could go on...
I also knew the answer to the question which brought this forth - yes, I would cry.
To my relief, everything is fine with her and her family... God bless.
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6 comments:
ah - this is the paragraph which moved me - And then guilt sets in.....
couldn't identify myself better but i remembered the o'le days and then - tears trickle down...
take care never even to get such a though :-)
loved ur post. well-written
prasoon.. ya, i know.. am afraid of my own intuitive thoughts, so i am usually careful... thank god there was nothing to it this time!
imsai... thanks, glad you liked it..
as they say, to err is human, but to forgive is divine. and thats something that i really need to learn... how many times i think of ppl and all the harm they have caused me... i guess u need times like these to shock u in to a wake up call....
interactions, associations, acquaintances, friends, family... all have levels of contribution to your "seemingly" pointed journey to some obscure end.
There are ways to deal with it, including wishing/wondering the worst for someone else. One must give you the benefit of doubt of NOT being guilty of the above. But then why feel guilty? There is more behind your words than you are admitting. And perhaps, in its recognition and your sharing it on your blog is a way to absolve your thoughts of your guilt. While there is no redemption required, perhaps the guilt in itself should assure you of a positive conscience.
The simplest notion, yet hardest one to follow is developing a way to rise above the past. Something like -using those bricks of burden to build a concrete staircase upwards.
Thats an interesting way of seeing it.. the fact that I was conscious of my "bad" thought and willing to admit that same, in itself means that my intentions were not for it to come true!
There is truth to your statement, subconsciously.
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