Past imperfect, present continuous and future perfect...

Let me start with a little side observation which has nothing to do with the post coming up - have you ever woken up in the morning and felt like you just lived an entirely different life in your dreams which felt so real that you can't believe you're still in the same place after waking up?! My dreams are so vivid that sometimes I can't believe they didn't happen! My imagination conjures up images which seem so close to reality that I feel like I'm actually living in my dream.. Ofcourse I'm not talking about scary dreams like running behind a train and missing it, or snake dreams or dreams when you think you're running but you're still in the same place.. these "dreams" every one knows are not real - they are manisfestations of some fear or desire we have in our sub-conscious mind..

But the dreams I'm talking about are for example about meeting people, being with people, doing stuff together.. It's like living a life with them and then suddenly snapping out of it.

Long time back, when I was in school, I remember I was waiting for a letter (those were the days there was no internet.. I'm talking '94 guys!) from a friend (the guy that I met when I was 14!)... I remember rushing back from lunch to check if I have mail.. I didn't... I went to sleep for a while, next thing I know, I had come back from lunch, there was mail for me, and I read he whole damn letter!! I read word for word what he had written, and happy, I went for classes... and then woke up... it was too weird! I was looking around for the letter on my bed but couldn't find one... That left me very dazed! Ofcourse next day the letter came, and it didn't have anything in it that I had dreamt of the previous day, so I was assured that atleast I'm not weirdly clairvoyant or psychic, just weird!

Last night, I dreamt about meeting my really old friend who I had lost touch with (I'm sure this is because I read Nutty's latest post just before sleeping!!), and I could picture her so clearly, I even had a mental idea of what her kid looked like even though I haven't seen my friend in 4 years now! When I woke up, I was like - Didn't I just meet her?!

Sometimes I wonder which one is the "real" reality... what if the life we dream of when we're sleeping is the real one, and the one we think we're living is a dream?! What if you had another family somewhere in the universe, another job (which was more satisfied and paid more!), different friends, a separate life?

I guess I'm watching too many movies.. Which reminds me to come to the point of my post.. We have a new surround sound stereo system at home (my aunt's place, and I had no contribution in this), and they've redone their family room to make it very home theatre like.. so we've been watching movies every single evening the whole of this week... The one movie that struck me the most was Deja Vu... I'm totally fascinated by the bending time, meeting of the past and present, parallel futures concept! I mean, imagine if you could go back in the past, change the course of some events and have a different present? Or have 2 presents running parallely together? Which ties back to what I was saying earlier in the post - what IF your dreams are the different "present" and your life when you're awake is the "other" present?

Right. I get your point. I need rest. But remember, this is a Saturday morning and I did wake up early again, though it was 8 this time! So... I've got nothing better to do right now other than thinking about time travel!

Blessed!

As you may have guessed from my previous post, things haven't been going too well this week, and everyday something goes really wrong and I feel stressed and irritated, and like I said, provoked.

Today was one more such aggravating event... aaah, its not exactly the world's biggest emergency, but I happened to have twisted my ankle really badly and now am unable to walk around and have to be in bed nursing myself back to normalcy...

But I'll tell you why I'm not feeling aggravated, and not feeling like I'd throwing myself under a moving bus or something! (Because believe me, this stupid sprain has really bad timing!) It's because I've been blessed with these people who've taken great care of me! Thank God for small mercies!

This is how it all began.. I got off the bus this evening and was crossing the road to the other side to catch my connecting bus home.. there was a huge pothole kind of thing in the middle of the road that I didn't see and promptly, my high heeled shoes (there's just 1.5 inches!) caught in the middle of the freakin hole and my ankle twisted 180 degrees totally, and I lost my balance... luckily I managed to catch myself in time (by only some wonderful stroke of luck, due to which I wasn't looking like a total fool splayed across the road!) but I was knocked out of breath! Anyways, the pain wasn't that bad then and I managed to make small talk with the guy who came to help me... now this is very interesting... some sense of humour these people have.. I was just regaining control when this guy asks me "Are you Indian?"... I thought, fine time he's chosen to make polite conversation! But I answered yes, and he's like "Yeah... don't know how to walk in high heeled shoes, do ya?!".... !!!! Although I laughed right back at him and pointed to the offending pothole, I was bewildered by his joke! Hehehe... anyways, he's obviously not one of the people I was blessed with this evening, so lets move on...

I'm staying at a guesthouse right now, which is run by a young couple (lets call them J and D) who are really great people, very friendly and cheerful! There are other guests also, infact on Sunday we all had a barbeque and had a lot of fun talking and enjoying a nice fall day together! Anyways, I called J shortly after I realized that I couldn't walk 5 steps without getting paralyzed with pain! I explained the situation to him and requested if he can pick me up, because I just would'nt have been able to manage the walk from bus stop etc... he was so wonderful, he came right away! unfortunately I was waiting on the other side from where he parked his car, and my otherwise loud voice carried no further than 5 feet when I called out to him! He left by the time I wobbled to the other side at top speed, and then I found him 10 mins later on the side that I'd just left!! So ofcourse, more wobbling, panting, paralyzing etc took place but I didnt catch him in time... anyways, finally he called me again and picked me up, inspite of having made 3 trips from his house to the bus station already!

Back home, his wife took care of arranging dinner etc for me and making me comfortable... had the food delivered to me at the dining table, which is a rare or almost unknown thing here, especially for those not in the same family!

And then one of the guests came in... she'd been through this before, and knew exactly what to do... because there was nothing available at home right away, she walked to the nearest pharmacy and bought me an icebag and bandage, all of her own accord! Then she helped me with putting it on.... and finally, when it was time for me to go upto my room (it doesn't help that I stay on the 3rd floor!), she actually carried my laptop bag, my handbag and my shoes upstairs for me! And from nowhere, J produced a pair of crutches (he'd also sprained his ankle a few months back), and they both taught me how to use it... and slowly but steadily I hopped, skipped and jumped upstairs, and now am safely tucked into bed.. delirious because of the painkiller I was finally forced to eat, but happy to be resting!

And it makes me ever so grateful to see how much out of their way these literal strangers went for me! I am alone in this city, as in these people are not my friends in the real sense... we just met a week back! But I'm just so touched with their kindness, that I feel blessed! I consider that I could be totally alone, trying to cope with the whole thing myself (which I could do, but its miserable!)... but I have all these people to take care of me.. didn't make me miss my family for a bit, in a time of trouble!

And I thought people didn't care anymore. Misconception. Especially if you reach out for help instead of trying to do it all by yourself (I would in normal circumstances be too shy to ask for help, and would rather have taken the bus in agony than "bothered" these people).

Nice. The pain is there. But I'm not miserable. There is a God, somewhere! (everywhere!)

I've often wondered about...

Whether Faith is weakness.. whether believing in a higher power who guides you through life is a matter of low self-esteem or there really is something to back it up... I wonder about this because I believe I have real faith... I'm not fatalistic, but I have faith in the saying that whatever happens happens for the good.. I have faith in my Guru... no, he's not performed 'miracles' like making things appear from thin air or making things disappear in one touch.. but I have faith, and tremendous amount of it, in the fact that he's taking care of me... and I have faith that whatever is happening in my life, I can't see the broader picture, but there is someone up there (or anywhere for that matter) who can.. he sees the bigger picture... and so the things that you can explain, the things that you can't control, you just leave it up to faith.. you do what you have to do, and leave the rest upto your faith that things will get better, and that there is a (solid) reason why something happens to you...

I have nothing to prove that faith, except that I believe in it.. and have believed in it for so long that I can't remember life without that faith... So then I ponder, is it my weakness that I want to double-check my life constantly with some 'higher power', or is it that such a higher power really exists.. I'm not advocating that someone on earth is God, I'm not propounding that one should blindly believe in what is not apparent... but then when one is educated, has a fairly reasonable 'thinking mind' and then one believes in concepts such as faith, God, guidance - then it can't just be lack of faith in oneself... afterall, 'God' isn't a person who you can talk to, God is an experience.. you experience the presence of a higher power through your life, if you watch close enough...

I'm wondering about all this because there are times in my life when I sit back and wonder about why certain things happened, why my life has been so tough and yet there has always been a silver-lining with every problem that came up... and my faith is reinforced after this...

But, I still have nothing to prove it..

Upside down!

Am blogging from another continent today.. in the days since my last post, I've travelled across the seven seas, as they say, and entered a new phase of my life! Like I've been saying on my blog since New Year's - 2007 is a year of changes, ups and downs and hopefully some settling down!

I've been here like 4 days, and its not hit me yet that I'm not at home.. you see, it really helps to have family who can take care of you, feed you dhoklas, upma and chapatis so that you feel "Dilli door nahin"! I'm eating, sleeping and surfing the net all day - just like I did at home! And to top it all, they're trying to make me watch 'Saloni ka safar' or some such soap on Zee, which I never even watched at home! And God help me, if I ever do end up watching it, I know I've been converted!

Anyways, since its weekdays and everyone's working, I haven't gone out much, so there is no shell shock - yet. Ofcourse there is the usual getting used to the different time zone and weather.. But there are some things that I always knew about, yet when I have to face them in reality, my mind boggles!

I mean, for starters.. there is such a thing as 'too quiet'!! Ok, I lived in South Delhi's relatively quiet, "posh" area earlier, so its not like I am not used to screaming vendors and constant traffic all the time.. but I did wake up every morning to the incessant honking of the DTC buses on the main road nearby, I did wake up to the constant chattering of the maid who came to mop and sweep the house, and my mom's daily chatter with her.. I did wake up to the pleading of my helper at asking me to drink my morning tea before it got too cold, I did wake up to the blaring sound of early morning news on TV.. And I did sleep to the sound of loud punjabi music on loud speakers playing in the park near our house when the wedding season was on!

Where is all that?!!

I haven't heard a single noise from any car nearby, ours or otherwise! No one listens to the TV at a blaring loud volume coz its so quiet everywhere, you CAN hear the tv at lower volumes! No one comes barging into the house everyday to clean up and talk (as if talking is part of the job description of a maid!).. No one understands the goodness of a chaloo chai (the one made from Red label tea leaves and not Lipton tea bags).. and no one seems to be around at all!!!! Today was the first time I heard the door bell ring in 4 days! I didn't know what the sound was for, till my aunt got up and opened the door! Hehehe.. Its so quiet, I can hear my own breathing!! And I feel awfully guilty about even trying to listen to my CDs coz I feel it will cause a raucous in the house! Imagine, my little cd player! :))

And ofcourse, the switches are all upside down, they drive on the wrong side of the road, they have names for all the roads, and they have huge spaces of land in between their houses which my Indian mind considers a waste! Hehehe..

Oh well, ofcourse one gets used to it :) There is nothing like driving on wide open roads at good speeds, rather than tackling Delhi-Gurgaon traffic on NH8 every morning..

But.. someone just give me good old noise!! :))

Attention span

Has anyone noticed that the attention span that one has decreases considerably over the years? I mean the tolerance level for the mundane and routine drops significantly as life goes on... actually as I say this, I realise that it may not be entirely true (not for nothing do they say 'the young and restless'), but I still find that the time-span between the statements "God, I need a break!" and "I need a change" are gradually decreasing over the years, especially in my case!

Take for instance the fact that I just took a break 2 weeks back, a very relaxing one, and had some time off for myself... but again, within such a short span of time, I am beginning to feel restless again! I don't feel like putting my mind to routine things anymore, and boredom seems to be setting in quite fast!

I wonder if this is a common thing amongst my peer group too.. I have a feeling that the years of over-exposure to fast-food, cable tv and internet have made us weary of spending 'quiet time' with ourselves... most of us are constantly seeking external modes of entertainment and can't sit quietly, alone with ourselves for even a little time.. we require either an sms, a call, tv, food, sleep or some distraction to keep us from strangling ourselves!

Similarly, very few lucky ones get to do real interesting work in their jobs, and that too consistently over a period of time.. I used to be one of those who enjoyed my work immensely, and you would never hear me crib about work when with friends or at home etc.. I truly liked my job.. but now, am getting little bored.. work is good and nothing wrong with it per se.. but still, the attention span has reduced, and the same thing which I would find interesting yesterday, I am getting bored of it today... so that has a lot to do with my current state of mind of boredom seeping in every 15 days! Pls be assured this is not a post about my job.. the point of mentioning the above is to analyse why I feel the need to "get away" so often these days.. is it what I do from day-to-day, either at work or at home, or is it that the number of exciting things left in life decreases as you see more and more of the world?!

Wait a min, did I say the number of surprises in life becomes less? No, that can't be true.. there is just so much to see and feel and experience in this world that it would possibly take more than one lifetime to enjoy all of it!

I attended a talk by my Guru yesterday, and a student asked him during the Q & A session "How do I concentrate on my studies/work?"... and he said this "If we feel entertained enough, we will be able to concentrate better.. if we feel that we have not had enough entertainment yet, then we will seek more of it and then our minds will not be applied to the task at hand"... maybe this is the problem.. we are seeking out entertainment in every minute of our lives, so as soon as there is repetition or lack of amusement, we tend to go in search of more distractions.. I guess thats a reason why people drink? I dont know coz I dont drink (my "drinking" is restricted to bacardi breezers!), but this is just a guess... that we want to get away from our day to day existence.. always wanting to 'get away' from something.. or maybe this is why people job-hop so much nowadays.. running running runnining from either ourselves or the "commonness" of our lives?! What are we looking for? Is there is a motive to our actions or are we living our lives drifting in search of distractions?!

Hmmm.. well am feeling a little less bored after writing this post, coz its sprung up all these impossible questions in my head and I will entertain myself thinking about the unknown (or I don't want to know?!) answers... but it's just a matter of couple of more days! :-))

P.S: Pls note that this post is not written as a complaint about either job, life or my cable tv... I am just reminiscing why I think we (of what I have observed of myself and my friends/colleagues etc) are beginning to get bored faster and faster.. and ofcourse opinions expressed our purely my own and no one else is responsible for this nonsense!

Life's various hues...

I've been holidaying... that's why the brief hiatus from blogosphere.. I've been out of touch with people, my blog and reality.. I've been lying in the shade, basking in the sunlight, trekking (panting on the way uphill actually!), listening to romantic songs one the drive along the long-winding road that led to my destination.. been relaxing with a book on the balcony, been massaging my sore feet after miles of walking, been admiring the hills and the valleys, the fact that there seem to be more trees around since the last time I visited, been taking a shot at driving on the highway at 100 km/hr! been enriching myself with the shades of life, trying to capture interesting and beautiful things on my camera, hoping that the memories will not fade too soon...

And I've been doing a lot of thinking.. about where I stand today, what I want from life, who I am and whether I am comfortable with that, what I should change, who I want in my life, whether or not I enjoy the reckless things I do or whether I do them to prove something to myself.. why I say the things I say and do the things I do, why I made the choices I did.. what should be my next step... are my decisions my own or am I trying to please someone else.. and whether my friend's wedding on Friday made me think "another one bites the dust" or "wow, she's lucky!", which would answer my own questions.. self-evaluation, introspection, taking a pause from life to discover its flavours and where it's taking me...

After coming back to Delhi finding myself a little lost.. for a while.. I can't switch back to reality and the usual activites so fast.. I take a day or two to come back to earth, so to speak.. but there are so many small things that I've brought back with myself from these past 4 or 5 days.. like the fact that the roads in Haryana seemed better than the roads in Punjab, atleast where I was! also that I should be spending more quality time with my loved ones, and not just checking with them about the weather.. realising that there are some things that you just can't change about yourself or the other person.. realising that you've lost the stamina you once had and now it's all downhill from here.. realising that it feels great when people notice your efforts and actually say something to you about it.. realising that I prefer sms's to calls since they are so unobstrusive (you can reply in your own sweet time and it doesn't look rude, but if you don't want to talk right then and someone calls, you can't hang up without sounding like an arrogant vamp!).. realising that there are actually very very very few people in this world whom I can't live without.. realising that someone's behaving like a jerk and I am above that... realising that black and white photographs have more character than coloured ones... realising that if I let myself go, I'll only get hurt and so it's ok to be a control freak about myself... realising that I am addicted to dance and if I don't do some or the other form of dance throughout my life, I'll wither and die pretty soon..

Little bit pensive, little bit defensive, strange mood today (it's probably attributable to the really bad cold I have!!) But there's one song stuck in my head since that drive on the hills, in perfect weather, sunrays filtered through the trees, bright and sunny now, dark and shade later, winding road, wind on my face..

O saathi re, din dube na..
Aa chal din ko roke,
dhup ke peeche daudien,
Chaanv chhoole na..
- Omkara, 2006

P.S: I'd have uploaded some snaps too, but somehow the 'Add Image' thing never works on my comp and I can't add any photographs to my posts! :-(

In 5 yrs?

So people, esp interviewers, like asking questions like "Where do you see yourself 5 yrs from now?"... unless the interviewer is imaginative enough to come up with something better to assess the candidate..

The same question seems to have a way of cropping up so many times in other situations in life.. only the time length differs.. answering this question basically implies planning ahead.. much much ahead... planning for 5 yrs of ur life now?? How can it be possible? Ok overall you have an idea of what situation you will be in.. like have a job in preferably this industry/service, have a family (with or without children), be staying in a 3 BHK apartment of your own, etc etc.. but can you be sure? Ofcourse not.. and no one expects you to be..

But what happens when you have to take a decision now, based on what you picturise yourself doing even 6 months hence?! Yesterday I was contemplating signing up for a Salsa performance group which is to give a stage perforrmance in April 07.. but I can't decide if I should because I have no idea where I will be 6 months from now.. I don't know which city, which company, what marital status, etc etc I will have by then!! So can I sign up now for something which is to happen so much later?? Ofcourse it is not necessary that 6 months planning scares everybody.. afterall its 'short term'.. but I am approaching such cross-roads of my life that I can't even be sure of next month.. things are waiting to happen, but actually aren't!! So its all waiting and watching to see how it turns out.. and I can do that, provided no one asks me to do something now based on the future!

I've never been able to plan even 2 weeks ahead.. plan in details that is.. I love being 'in the moment', but I wonder if it's due to pure laziness to think ahead, tendency to avoid decisions, or spontaneity that makes me this way!! Some real self-exploration is required here... or just that life has to "work out" soon... tsk tsk.. I can't even decide if I should sign-up for Salsa! That sucks!


Dont say that later will be better...
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it..
- Stuck in a moment, U2

Like a 'permanent address'

Picture this: I have a long phone list in front of me, and I'm checking the names on it.. sometimes I don't remember who the person is, and I kick yourself for not writing atleast some reference to the person next to the name! Like 'Amit, Golf' or 'Irfan, Computer guy'.. well anyways I realise I actually call just 10% of the people on the list on a regular basis.. so I purposely look for someone I haven't spoken to in a long long time... from school or my old neighbour or collegemate... but I don't think the number will work.. after all it's been years since I spoke to them and in day and age of jet-setters and pre-paid SIM cards, I don't expect anyone to be in the same place with the same phone number for very long... but, I dial anyways.. and it turns out to be the correct number!!!

Suddenly I am hit with such a sense of 'continuation'! The world has changed, people have changed, situations, lifestyles and jobs have changed, but the phone number is still the same.. its symbolic to the many things we all regard and would like to keep constant in our lives.. like a permanent address, the same phone number (landline), old friends, domestic help even (isn't it nice when you attend someone's wedding and they have a really old maid and the bride is introduced to her as if she is part of the family?!)! While talking to my friend, I can picturise her house, her garden, her g'mom, her pet dog etc etc.. all because she is still using the same number she used to ages ago... it means that she is still where she was, still where we were.. it hits you with a sense of nostalgia, yet with a positive feeling.. I've not been back home for 3 yrs now, but in one sense I was never at home for long as I had gone to boarding school at an early age.. and then I did college at home so that I could stay with my family for some time.. but thereafter MBA and job etc.. things have changed quite a lot, esp my friends.. we have all moved on with our lives, lost touch, gotten married, changed jobs etc.. yet still when I speak to someone from 'back then', I get a sense of permanency... that atleast something is constant..

Although I know personally I would have died with the stagnancy which comes with 'no change', I still find a sense of relief when getting in touch with someone who is still rooted, still there...

Losing respect..

Losing control

Losing our minds

Losing respect for the life of a fellow human being

Losing our humanity

Thats what's happening to us... to the world in general...

I stopped reading the newspaper because I am an escapist.. and much too sensitive.. I can't just swallow the inhumanity, the (dirty) politics, the terrorism, the lies, the double standards and the loss of control on our minds.. I end up thinking too hard about it, getting agitated and ruining atleast my mood/day.. Its not an excuse, I don't need one... its a choice which I make many a times consciously... (in school we used to be asked to read the newspaper to increase our 'GK', but I have discovered since then that there are also other ways of doing that!)

What pains me the most is that we've stopped looking at the other person's perspective, stopped bothering about judging right from wrong.. we are driven now only by animal instinct, and have lost what primarily distinguishes us (so-called humans) from animals, and that is intellect, buddhi, the power of rational thinking!!

We go around cursing each other; trampling on each other's personal space (which btw, animals don't do.. their territories are clearly marked!); imposing ourselves on others; and these are just the 'harmless' things we do.. we don't stop here though.. we go ahead and beat to death professors as the police standby and watch the fun; we throw acid on children in school as a manner of punishment; we rape women, not just physically but mentally too; we make false promises, and cover it up with double standards; we blast innocent people through the roof to prove our point and expect others to see things in our perspective; we bomb countries over oil and pretend its about freedom; we are think colour matters; we mark unseen territories and then wage years of war to defend it (thats animal like!); we fight over religion, and make revenge the aim of our lives; we sensationalise useless matters and sweep under the carpet the real issues; we ignore the youth protesting on the streets and impose on the country what is deemed as 'the revenge of the oppressed'; we bribe our way through education, job, marriage (thats how I look at dowry); we disrespect our parents, we disrespect our elders/peers/younger ones, we disrespect anyone who dares to disagree with us; we think life is a competition to be won and God help anyone who comes in our way; and last but not the least, we disrespect ourselves by accepting all of the above and continuing as if nothing happened...

This isn't limited to India, of course.. and most of us right-thinking (not politically right, if u know what i mean) do bother to think just a little bit beyond the headlines.. but, how do we stop all this? How can we stop people from degrading so much? What do I do as a responsible citizen to make that student see sense and not get so carried away and be so animal-like that he should beat a professor to death?! I don't know what was the provocation (the real one, not the cancellation of elections) behind it, but does it matter?? Did it really need for you to let go of your anger so much that you killed the other person??

I think as a race, we humans are about to cross the limit...

When 'progressive' becomes a bad word..

For the past year or so, I have been interacting with some people with whom I do not really share the same wavelength... we have probably been exposed to different cultures, different people and different experiences, therefore we differ in our outlook towards life, esp with respect to relationships with people..

I've spent a major part of my school days in a boarding school, co-ed at that, and that’s gone to shape a lot of the person who I am today... one is exposed to so many different types of situations, a variety of cultures, a mix of good and bad people, and that makes it a good learning ground for tolerance and understanding.. I don't claim that its the best option for education, but its got many advantages that I realise more now than I did back then!

So given this background, and the fact that I come from a culturally 'broad-minded' family, I grew up with the impression that being 'progressive' in one's outlook is a good thing.. I took it for granted that if you have a mother who is independent and strong-willed and can 'manage' things without being dependent on her husband, its a good thing.. I thought it was good that my father didn't frown at my guy-friends (that’s not a word, but anyways!!) and didn't stop me from going out and having a nice time (within boundaries of course!), that my parents didn't keep a tab on me 24 hrs of the day, and that they of course encouraged me to be financially independent and take my career seriously! These are things that most of us take for granted, if we are blessed with such understanding parents!

And the same goes for my friendships with guys.. when you've literally grown-up with guys all around you, u stop treating them as 'guys' and they become more of 'friends', and gender doesn't matter so much (in fact many a times I find it easier to relate to guys than girls, but that's another story).. one can and does forge genuine friendships with the opposite sex (lest a certain friend of mine claims this is another sexist post!), which are not based on 'love' or 'attraction' etc.. they are just plain platonic relationships, and anyone who has a problem with that is usually asked to gth.. so when a real good friend gives u a hug when you are sad/happy, its not to 'make sparks fly'!!

But some people just don't get that.. they don't understand that men and women can have genuinely good friendships.. they don't understand that just coz you danced with a guy doesn't mean you are 'easy', as long as you have kept him at arm's length! When they see a snap where ur friend has his arms around your shoulders, they can't fathom that you are not interested in each other.. if you deny any romantic involvement, they think that you are too progressive and 'let anyone take liberties with you', which is the most false claim ever! Then they look at you up and down and go "tsk tsk, this girl"... and THAT'S when you realise that for many people even today, in this day and age, such seemingly normal things are 'too open', and girls who have seen the inside of a disc, or have had a drink or two, or are ok with going to Goa with a bunch of guys (and girls, but that's not important apparently!) are 'too modern'.. and then they nod and say "iski to shaadi nahin hogi"!

To all these people, I say "grow up" and stop being such a 'punju aunty'!! If it's just me who thinks that men and women can have platonic relationships, and am too naive (yes yes I know that apparently all men have only one thing on their minds) then that’s fine with me.. my friends haven't proven me wrong, yet... if that’s too 'liberal' then what the heck, that’s how I am..

And to myself, most importantly, I say I really really need to stop interacting with these people, else I'll find my head being screwed with these narrow-minded, 18th century thoughts!! 'Progressive' is not a bad word in my dictionary (though I don't mean as "progressive" as the Page3 society either!)!

Scratching below the surface...

There are times when you don't know people well enough, but still pass judgments on them based on certain incidents, one-off encounters and hearsay... many a times u don't bother to learn the real truth, and because you probably trust the person who is relating the incident more than the person you are talking about, you take it for granted that its true... sometimes we also generalise one incident and think that it is the way the person always behaves, and this is their character - 'the first impression', as they say lasts forever (mostly!)...

I've always thought that I could balance my outlook in this respect.. I try not to generalise people based on one or two incidents, or try to stereotype them... ofcourse it does not always work and many a times bias creeps in... bias based on what? gut instinct sometimes, sometimes what your friends have told u, many a times ur own upbringing and value system.. when someone falls in the negative with respect to these things, one tends to write them off.. we think that its not possible for that person to be anything else to anyone else!

Couple of these notions I had about some people I know were dispelled recently.. I didn't think of some of these people as 'real'.. I used to think that their relationships, friendships, hardships etc etc were all fake and that they were trapped in their own make-believe world... I'd wonder sometimes (though I never "wasted" much thought on these people much earlier) whether they ever really felt anything for anyone apart from themselves, whether they really knew what it was like to have a true friend or be in love etc etc... I thought that all they did was lived on the surface! Some of this impression was based on my own gut instinct (which still holds true for atleast one person I know), but a lot of it was due to stereotype..

But recently, I got the chance to observe these people more closely, with people they were comfortable with, when they were in their own element and had let their guards down.. I noticed some things.. their friendships with certain others ran deeper than just "hello, how are u, look, see what I am doing/wearing/saying.. ".. it went deeper to the point where they really did count on each other at times of crisis (mini or major).. there was a sense of togetherness despite what I had earlier felt was a false sense of security created just to pass the time they were anyways meant to spend with each other.. perhaps I was little bit wrong about some of them, atleast as far as their friendships with others was concerned (not with me necessarily)... when someone can call you at 2 in the nite when they just can't get ahead with something they are doing, you really must be someone they can count on, and definitely there is a connectedness which goes beyond physical boundaries.. which is nice..

I was also a little surprised and at the same time consoled by the fact that there were others like me, single, career-minded, smart, fairly good-looking (if I may say so!), independent and fun loving women who felt insecure about the smallest of things in life.. I found them desiring the same things that deep down inside I do too, like having someone 'to complete you', as one of them mentioned.. while we are all grappling with day to day activities, loving (or hating) our jobs, flying around the country (or the world), socialising with friends who are fun and smart to be with, deep down somewhere we feel insecure about not having that one person... and it doesnt come out in the open often, even to ourselves.. but when you find someone whose jsut like you, and you can see tears in their eyes, you think 'i am not alone'.. and with that thought, u're off to do your own thing happy once again! It doesnt bog u down, it makes you connect like you never have before..

Perhaps I am beginning to ramble.. but some of it I hope makes sense! The thing is that when u generalise people and think they are living their lives only skin deep, but then you scratch below the surface and realise that to a big extent these are also 'real' people with real feelings, soem of them the same as u, then you see them in a different light... not better or worse, but different.. it's an eye-opener to both our own nature, and that of others..

Will you protect me?

So tomorrow is Rakhee... one of the Indian 'days', not borrowed from the West like "Mother's day'/Father's day/Friendship day/Bosses' day" etc etc... its our tradition, still followed by most of us, even those who claim to be ultra-modern/unconventional, shirking traditions etc etc...

So what does celebrating the festival of Rakhee signify in today's world? For you and me? I am not talking about the stories of how it originated, what the rakhee band means etc etc.. but what does tying a rakhee to a brother, or someone you think of as a brother mean to each one of us today?

I have a brother who is 6 yrs younger than me.. when we were kids, it used to be more like I was protecting him than he was protecting me! After a few years, he needed protection from me!! But in more recent years, now that throwing objects and strangling each other is no longer an option, we are closer to playing the traditional roles of 'sister protects brother from evil, and in turn brother protects sister from worse (called humans, I believe?!)'..

But what does 'protection' mean in today's world? It doesn't mean, as some people will have you believe, that the girl is weaker and helpless and needs the strong sinewy shoulders of her brother.. It’s not the stereotypical brother in Hindi films giving up his life to protect his sister from the gangsters (he couldn't succeed because 'saving the girl' is the hero's job)...

In today's world, the brother guides the sister in her life's choices.. in the nuclear families of today, a brother is 'your own generation' and hence, can fill the void that sometimes develops due to the quintessential 'generation gap' with parents.. Whether he is older or younger, the approval of a brother can still mean a lot.. I remember the first time I cooked a proper meal, it was my brother whose comments I was looking forward to the most.. not just because he has a discerning taste, but also because he is difficult to please! Brothers are usually critical of their sisters, esp when it comes to what we are wearing and how fat we have become! And when they mention that we are looking nice, which is rare, it means u really are looking good and it's not praise given to gather brownie-points! And yes, it also happens that we like our brothers to approve of the 'man in my life', because ur brother's a guy after all, and guys can dissect guys! He can really end up protecting u, provided you listen! You can confide in each other about your respective relationships, your aims/goals in life (if any!!), and if you’re stuck up somewhere godforsaken with a punctured tyre in your car, you can count on him to come to your rescue!

We sisters, in turn, also have a lot of things to contribute to our brother’s lives.. We’re ever-ready to go shopping with them, for one thing! We’re also always willing to lend a helping hand if there’s a gift to be chosen for his girlfriend (for e.g.).. We act as anchors sometimes, grounding them firmly (I don’t mean it literally!) and hopefully, they’re listening! Esp if we are older, we try to protect them by not letting them make the same mistakes we did, or at least warning them of the dangers! We’re there to help them through exams (often sitting up late re-learning eco/finance/stats with them!), and oooh, don’t we just loooove dolling out advice! Hehehhee.. Younger sisters, on the other hand, many a times bring out the softer side of brothers when they get pampered! Ummm.. what else do younger sisters do?! Hehehehehe..

But seriously, I like this festival. Though my bro and me have hardly ever been together for Rakhee, its probably something about the whole idea which makes you feel (sudden) affection for your brother.. in school we used to spend days MAKING rakhees, out of colourful skeins, in class, during lunch break, during games time! It was the whole effort behind it which made it all such fun and meaningful.. nowadays I make less of an effort, but it still holds the same meaning.. It’s not often that we voice our love for our siblings, but on these occasions, however embarrassing, we must!

So what does Rakhee mean to you?

Why I'd never buy a Mercedes...

... even if I could afford one!

I was noticing that on the Delhi roads, its the Mercedes, Honda Accord, Toyota Corolla and other fancy car drivers who are the slowest and the ones who can never zig-zag through traffic to get somewhere faster! I mean, me with my little low-segment car can squeeze into a small gap between other cars and hence beat some of the traffic, but I can see the Mercedes driver (owner or hired) wince and slow down so that he doesn't come closer to any other vehicles! Believe me, even I am careful while driving past such a car, but the driver (esp the hired ones!) must be shit scared because he'd get busted even if he brushed against a stationary object or hit a speed breaker too fast!!!

Hmmm.. I'd rather not own a car which causes me to have sleepless nights to let her get on the unkind road!

On second thoughts, may be I would.. I mean if I am rich enough to buy a Merc, won't I be ok with spending a few thousands on it?!

Oh yeah! Its the weekend!

Yippe yippee ya ya! Its Friday, and much rejoicing is happening around me! In Paris, we used to know its Friday if there was no client in office after 3:30 PM!! It seems our company has also adopted this and my India office also becomes empty by this time in the afternoon! Hmmm.. so what am I still doing here?

Am just gathering my thoughts of the past week or so... each of them is not big enough for an individual post, so I thought I'd compile them.. so here goes some randomness -

Discovery of the week! - I accidentally found a new radio station on frequency 95.00 FM, which plays non-stop music with NO ad breaks and no RJs khit-phit!! And it plays both English and Hindi songs, and sometimes 'Hinglish' ones too! Only thing is that since there are no breaks, I don't know the name of the station! Anyways, its a good discovery :-))

I am amused - Himesh Reshammiya keeps me guessing... since every song of his starts in the exact same way, I don't know which song he's about to sing till the lyrics start, and sometimes not even then!

I wonder - When was the last time u were going somewhere (by train, plane, car, bike), and you let the road take over your consciousness, and smiled to yourself for no particular reason, swayed to the music and moved to the beats of a latest Bollywood song (I have to get Worldspace for more variety!)

I also wonder - why do bikers zig-zag through the traffic? is it because no one taught them cycling when they were kids and so they can't keep their balance?!

I listen - to romantic songs on the drive to office on a nice, rainy (drizzling actually) morning and love it, esp if I am alone! ...

I dislike (immensely) - a day at work when there is nothing to do the whole day, and just when you decide to leave early (6:30 or so!), you get work and so much of it that you have to be in office till real late! As you may have guessed, that's what happened to me, yesterday.. today ofcourse I am free to do my own thing coz its Friday!! :-))

I like - drinking chai at a thellawalla's on a nice pleasant evening, maybe raining, maybe not..

I think - someone out there has really influenced me to like the rains.. hmmm.. this can't be happening to me, the greatest rainy/cloudy weather hater, who dislikes having to get out of bed on a rainy day.. and I am thinking of romantic songs and chai on a 'drizzling' day! Ummm..

I don't think - I'd ever buy a Merc.. hmmm.. but I think this one should be a dedicated post.. for later...

I have noticed - that most women know how to dance well.. and sing well too.. is it God's general gift to us? Is there such a thing as gender bias as far as 'talents' are concerned?

Would you rather - be sexy or be sweet (not mutually exclusive, but anyways)? Actually, would you rather be called 'funny and sexy' or 'talented and presentable'.. does such a distinction even exist?!!

I'd rather - make you laugh than make you think... hmmm..

I feel bad - that my bro thinks my job is 'boring, redundant, monotonous and uncreative'... even if it is!

I need to learn - that PR is very important in all aspects of life, personal and professional.. hell, even in ur dance class u need to be PRing with your instructor so that they give u the required attention!

I was called - witty by a friend, and humourless by my bro! one would wonder if they were talking about the same person! I guess its all mood dependent!

I actually sulked - when someone told me that according to the Hindu calendar, I am not a Scorpio! I actually felt bad.. it felt like I had lost some kind of an identity!

I suggest - I go home now, before I start rambling a bit too much and before I miss picking up my cousin from the airport..

Have a great weekend! Hopefully by the time we get back on Monday, we won't have to use workarounds to access blogspot!

P.S: I just have a lot of time on my hands.. thats the only explanation I have for this post! :-)
P.S 2: Just checked my blog again and it seems access to blogspot is back, so we don't have to wait till Monday! Yippee, another reason to rejoice! :-)

A blasted realisation...

Last evening while driving back from office, I was thinking about someone (let's call her W) whom I don't like much... I was considering our relationship, the stuff that she had said to me before, her actions that had hurt me and what I thought of her now, after so many years.. and suddenly I have this poignant question in my mind.. its not vicious, its not spiteful, its just a matter-of-fact question which came to my head "will I shed a tear if she dies?, like if she dies today, would I feel bad about it?"... this random thought occurs, and obviously I brush it aside and divert my mind to other things..

At that time, I didn't have the radio on so I didn't know that that the bomb blasts had just happened in Mumbai... I casually call my friend up to know his plans for the evening when he tells me about the blasts.. I get back home as soon as possible and get to know the locations of these blasts...

And then I realise.. one of the places where the blast occured is where W lives! And as far as I could remember she took the local trains to commute! I dial her number and predictably, I cant get through.. all lines are jammed since I am too late to get in touch with anyone...

And then guilt sets in.. why, why did such a horrible thought come to me, just one hr back? Could something have happened to her?? Do the mundane things in someone's behaviour like being rude and spiteful hold them back from being cried for?? Do these little misunderstandings really matter in the face of losing someone forever?! I suddenly thought about how we keep holding onto the negative things in life forever and forget someone's kindnesses.. and never get around to knowing the person better and forgiving them and understanding that they didn't mean what they said.. and maybe one day it's too late.. they aren't around for you to forgive..

And with this, what W had said/done didn't matter at all as long as she was just alive.. and life could go on...

I also knew the answer to the question which brought this forth - yes, I would cry.

To my relief, everything is fine with her and her family... God bless.

A girl learns...

This post is not exclusively for women, but I suppose women may identify more with it than men.. but some of the more observant men may also largely agree with some of the things...

Let me fill u in on the background: I just attended my cousin's wedding in Mumbai and till now she was the eldest unmarried girl in my family of my generation; so predictably it was she who had to answer all the pointed questions about marriage plans from our relatives.. however, now that baton has been passed on to me and I have to dodge questions like "so, ur'e next.. when do we see u settling down?" etc etc... however, this wedding also got me thinking about a lot of things about our family, about us cousins, about girls, growing up, bitching with ur girlfriends, growing into the woman u always wanted to be... so here is some reminiscing and some observing and some contemplating...

A girl learns...

- To sit without fidgeting with her hair... she has to resist the urge to touch her hair when she has a 2 tonne dupatta pinned precariously on it and any move may mean her head will snap back and her neck will break! :-))

- To sit quietly without having anyone to talk to, and still look like she's not bored. Yup, when u are surrounded by relatives whose span of conversation stretches to 'how is ur job going?' and 'so, u're next', then u have to learn to sit and amuse urself alone, maybe figure out where ur life is going (or maybe not) and wonder how long before u'll be crucified too...

- To smile graciously even when she cant stand the other person... (i dont need to elaborate on this one i think)

- To entertain... my cousin (the bride's sister) who was such a tom-boy when she was a kid, actually arranged the whole wedding and took care of the guests, smiled and entertained with inane conversation and made everyone's stay as comfortable as possible... a long way since the time she'd be able to speak only rude insulting things and piss off most people with her forthrightness!

- To appreciate the true value of make-up... which uptil now consisted of only kajal (sometimes not even that) but when u start looking at urself in the mirror and when u start looking at ur cousins, peer pressure and maybe what u see in the mirror makes u think "ok next time I will take care of my appearance and look better with just that little bit extra... " Yeah yeah, those of you who know me will exclaim 'wow, u sound like such a girl!!" but, i think i am ok with that! :-))

- To praise her husband, even when its not necessary or earned... oh believe u me, there are many wives who get away with a hell of a lot with just a few words of appreciation.. there is nothing like a bloated male ego to get u what u really want!

- To smile her way into a bargaining position... now, i am not at all in favour of using this tactic in professional life, but in personal life, this weapon goes a long, long way.. from getting better deals on mundane things like taxi fare, to getting a helping hand with ur luggage (when ur'e just being lazy and not because u cant be self-reliant), to getting tea served at ur office desk! Smile ur way through girl!

- To appreciate her mother's taste and not recoil everytime she picks out something that she likes and thinks her daughter can wear... u suddenly one day realise that for some ocassions, its best to atleast consider the judgement of ur (wiser) mom and if u let go sometimes, the results could be spectacular... or they couldnt be, but atleast you made her day! :-))

- To drink beer/wine in front of all the conservative relatives (see them eye her appraisingly) so they can tell spicy stories about her to everyone! Hehehhee.. oops, this could backfire like anything, but who cares..

- To resist the temptation of flirting once she has tied the knot! Ask my now ‘happily wedded’ cousin about this one! :-)

Actually, I think there is a lot more that a girl learns when she realises that she and her 'playmates' have finally grown up...

I love my Monday sitcom line-up :-)

I love Mondays... when I get back home after a gruelling day at work (having been stricken with the famous disease - 'Monday Blues'!), I love to sit in front of the tv and turn to Star World (turn to? Actually, I think most of the time the tv is already on this channel), watch the line-up of comedy shows from 8 to 11/12 in the evening... there's Friends (the 4th re-run I think), but I never get back home in time to watch it), so I usually start with 'My wife and kids', followed by 'Still standing', then 'Yes dear' and 'Becker'.. oh yeah.. Becker is back! :-)) I miss 'Fraiser'.. but am sure it will be back soon.. I go to sleep only after watching 'Seinfeld', one of my favs...

And during this 'ritual', no one should disturb me! My brother and I are so glued to the tv set that even if my mom comes and stands in front of us to say something, we usually end up not noticing! Monday evening, my mom's pet peeve is 'why dont u guys tell us how ur day was, talk to us, u know?!'... I dont' even take calls during this time, usually making up a lame excuse about being busy or something... I just dont want to miss that joke... hmmm... and I really hate it if anything comes in the way of my viewing these sitcoms, esp the electricity, the cable connection and dinner plans! yesterday I wanted to celebrate and go out for dinner coz of a recent salary hike I got, but then I said 'lets just order something at home, I am not moving from this sofa!"....

Hmmm... Couch potato...

And the rest of the days I don't really watch tv at all!

Why not because of it?

If you're wondering about the title.. here's the inspiring thought behind it - why are we all (or most of us) proud of the cities we live in inspite of it and not because of it?

Let me explain...

I am currently in Mumbai, and though I reached at 2 in the nite day before yesterday, I have only just managed to step out of my hotel and really see Mumbai as it is now (am coming to the city after almost 2 yrs)... ok, so everyone knows about the incessant rain and the problems its been causing... but in the aftermath of the rain comes out the reality behind the city dwellers and the municipal corporation..

I am staying in Juhu, and I just went for a walk (the sun is out, yippee, one would think!) to the Juhu beach and was expecting to take a nice stroll down the beach, but what I found was a huge pile up of rubbish on every inch of the beach to as far as I could see! I know its due to the water washed out into the sea after the 3 days of rains.. but the amount of garbage which has piled up really stunned me.. what are we all doing to this earth?! to our homes and home towns?? why dont we ever stop to think twice before throwing wrappers, packets, food items (ok so they are bio-degradable, but they still stink before and after) and general rubbish on the streets?? why dont we consider this situation of blocked drains and flooding before we chuck the chocolate wrapper on the road, expecting someone to clean up after us?? ok, it's MCD's job to keep the city clean, but why cant we help them??

My question is why are we so apathetic about the cities we live in when these are the places we love and are proud about?! Ask anyone from Mumbai (who has managed to stay here for more than 6 months).. they would all say they love the place, the pace of the city (notwithstanding the 2hr long traffic jams when the pace is that of a snail's! ok, just kidding guys, dont pounce on me!).. they love the feel of the city, the freedom to do without bothering about someone watching, the vada paus and the night strolls on the beaches etc etc.. i dont know, people living in Mumbai would be able to describe this better.. but we all love our respective cities despite the unsanitary conditions, the dirt and filth and the electricity and water conditions.. ok, we cant do much about the electricity and water conditions except switch off the lights that we are not using and not take 1 hr long showers when we can clean up in just 5 mins.. but we can do a lot about the dirt and filth.. where do u think its coming from?? MCD is not creating it! We are! And we learn to live with these conditions, loving the city, accetping things the way it is.. in my opinion, its gross insensitivity and not the much-touted tolerant behaviour of us Indians.. we are insensitive to our surroundings, growing more and more immune as we live more and more self-centred lives, busy in our jobs, family, freinds etc etc.. we dont stop and thnk, am i contributing to this city in any way?? And this stands true for each one of us living in India, for every city big and small and for every person, educated or un-educated..

I know that some of you may think that this post is a lecture.. I know - I've been called 'Garbage woman' and made fun of when I have asked my friends to stop throwing wrappers etc on the streets and kept them with me till I find a garbage can (which is rare and far between)... this is a legacy from my school days when I learnt that we should do our little bit for the environment.. most of us think 'environment' is a jungle out there somewhere in Africa and is not our concern.. but envirnoment is where u live, the street where ur home is, the road which you take to get to office etc etc..

Why cant we wake up and say, ok, I wont use plastic bags when I dont need so many, I will throw the garbage in a can, even if it means holding it for 2 extra mins... why cant we say to ourselves -I'm going to try and make my home and city a better place instead of resigning ourselves and letting things go on as they are, making it worse sometimes and then blaming the Government for it all..