There are times when you don't know people well enough, but still pass judgments on them based on certain incidents, one-off encounters and hearsay... many a times u don't bother to learn the real truth, and because you probably trust the person who is relating the incident more than the person you are talking about, you take it for granted that its true... sometimes we also generalise one incident and think that it is the way the person always behaves, and this is their character - 'the first impression', as they say lasts forever (mostly!)...
I've always thought that I could balance my outlook in this respect.. I try not to generalise people based on one or two incidents, or try to stereotype them... ofcourse it does not always work and many a times bias creeps in... bias based on what? gut instinct sometimes, sometimes what your friends have told u, many a times ur own upbringing and value system.. when someone falls in the negative with respect to these things, one tends to write them off.. we think that its not possible for that person to be anything else to anyone else!
Couple of these notions I had about some people I know were dispelled recently.. I didn't think of some of these people as 'real'.. I used to think that their relationships, friendships, hardships etc etc were all fake and that they were trapped in their own make-believe world... I'd wonder sometimes (though I never "wasted" much thought on these people much earlier) whether they ever really felt anything for anyone apart from themselves, whether they really knew what it was like to have a true friend or be in love etc etc... I thought that all they did was lived on the surface! Some of this impression was based on my own gut instinct (which still holds true for atleast one person I know), but a lot of it was due to stereotype..
But recently, I got the chance to observe these people more closely, with people they were comfortable with, when they were in their own element and had let their guards down.. I noticed some things.. their friendships with certain others ran deeper than just "hello, how are u, look, see what I am doing/wearing/saying.. ".. it went deeper to the point where they really did count on each other at times of crisis (mini or major).. there was a sense of togetherness despite what I had earlier felt was a false sense of security created just to pass the time they were anyways meant to spend with each other.. perhaps I was little bit wrong about some of them, atleast as far as their friendships with others was concerned (not with me necessarily)... when someone can call you at 2 in the nite when they just can't get ahead with something they are doing, you really must be someone they can count on, and definitely there is a connectedness which goes beyond physical boundaries.. which is nice..
I was also a little surprised and at the same time consoled by the fact that there were others like me, single, career-minded, smart, fairly good-looking (if I may say so!), independent and fun loving women who felt insecure about the smallest of things in life.. I found them desiring the same things that deep down inside I do too, like having someone 'to complete you', as one of them mentioned.. while we are all grappling with day to day activities, loving (or hating) our jobs, flying around the country (or the world), socialising with friends who are fun and smart to be with, deep down somewhere we feel insecure about not having that one person... and it doesnt come out in the open often, even to ourselves.. but when you find someone whose jsut like you, and you can see tears in their eyes, you think 'i am not alone'.. and with that thought, u're off to do your own thing happy once again! It doesnt bog u down, it makes you connect like you never have before..
Perhaps I am beginning to ramble.. but some of it I hope makes sense! The thing is that when u generalise people and think they are living their lives only skin deep, but then you scratch below the surface and realise that to a big extent these are also 'real' people with real feelings, soem of them the same as u, then you see them in a different light... not better or worse, but different.. it's an eye-opener to both our own nature, and that of others..
15 comments:
i could completely visualize what u were speaking.. as sometime back, a friend told me - stop classifying things as black and white first time u come across them - attach a grey tag to them and only later, paint th black or white accordingly as time passes. this has been the most difficult thing for me - the change hasn't come as yet but i guess its logical enough to be worth a try..
let not the first impression decieve you otherwise because once that goes wrong, it'd pain bad - right?
Hi Ruchika,
You might feel,that you are beginning to ramble,but I definitely feel it all makes a lot of sense.The subject of judging someone has to be dealt with a little patience.And moreover,we must not forget,that everyone simply 'cannot' be the same with everyone else.
I can relate.
But then, when you least expect it, clarity hits you.
Today I had an Indian waiter and for whatever reason I immediately assumed he was illegally in Singapore (well, based on my experiences with the two countries I live in) and then as we got a chance to talk, he told me he was doing an MBA and working part time. Entirely my error.
not fair.... extremely sexist blog... what about the guys...
one of the many "smack-you-in-the-face-it's-obvious-but-one-never-sees-it-realistically" (sorry can't think of an easier way to say it!!) notions (like - the world would be great if we could all just get along!)is that we'd all be a lot more confident and secure and happy if we just realised that everyone is dealing with the same basic fears as us.
Despite knowing it, we go about our lives wondering what so and so is thinking of us while all so and so is doing is wondering the same..
oh..and ya try as we may we can't help but form opinions of people we meet, even if its only a temporary one. The fact that you are willing to look beyond it is what'll set you apart.
wish there was some formula for being able to "know someone" - 2 coffees+1.8 hrs of phone+3 meals -...but the trade off would be that life would get quite bland
Hi,
Just hopped to your blog from somebody's blog. I read most of your sitting. You seem to be doing lot of analysis on these posts :) I dont know by reading somebody's posts in one stretch you feel like commenting on person personality. having same feeling right now :) Ok let me first tell good things - You write well, thoughtful, intelligent, hard worker. Felt there is some shallowness somewhere..Some negative things also which may be wrong :) so will write about them..
Cheers
very true... and very apt..
although the first impressions are always the lasting ones... somehow, that needs to be overcome, to give someone a second chance... i say second chance for want of a better phrase.
every situation is seen well in 2 perspectives, u must train urself to see it in both.
a little something i learned from my current stay in my new location
Ya i completely relate to what you are saying. I consciously try not to be judgemental and sometimes
i am unconsciously judgemental..or at other times I wonder if in this attempt to be unjudgemental I am just accepting everything that doesn't directly affect me..for example a friend told me I am unjudgemental only coz i have no opinions of my own!!
But I guess the world is too big to let our narrow schemes of thought define people/ideas for us.
and i agree with lifeasithappens. On one hand your thinking . wow I am not that weird..people think like me..
on the other you think , Sheesh I thought I was unique! But i think by reading blogs ive realised im not that weird more than in real life where one doesn't talk like one would in an anonymous blog.
umm long rambling comment sorry
Well, this post really got a lot of responses.. its good to see so many people can relate to it..
`prasoon
yes, tagging someone as black/white only blocks us and hampers our own relationships.. we don't need to accept people always, but lets not judge them before we really get to know them.. although I stil feel that gut instinct plays a role in determining how well we can recognise people, still that should not always rule..
`manish
totally agree that people cannot be the same with everyone.. don't u think that also suggests that perhaps the person is a certain way with u becoz of their own perception of who you are! andthen you 'judge' them on that, and the result is really skewed! :-)
`brazen head
yes, classic example was of the auto-driver i saw on the news today - who is a post graduate, and has even written cpl of books! how could one expect!
`the vestige
errr.. what about the guys?! comon! I'd think u'd be able to dig deeper than that (the one gender biased example i gave!)! ;-)
`pranavbal
yup, i know what you mean.. esp when we are younger and more vulnerable, this is one thing we should remember - that everyone's going thru the same sh*t, no matter how rosy the picture looks like from the outside! also, that fact that we all realise we are prone to making this mistake of judging people without enough evidence means we have a better chance at not making it the next time around!
`ankur
welcome to my blog! well, i don't really do a lot of analysis behind my posts.. they are more a compilation of my observations of life, my thoughts and sometimes my aspirations... i don't necessairly write for self-discovery, but the more i write, the more aspects of myself i end up discovering! like i said once, perhaps i think too much!
btw, thanks for all the compliments.. though of all the things that people have said i am, 'shallow' has never been one of them! so i have to say i was surprised by that comment from u! but then if i think further, this post IS about 'false' impressions, so i am granting u this! hehehehe.. just kidding... do tell me what more u thought, since u didn't expand on the negative things much... and how do 'shallow' and 'thoughtful' go together?! perhaps our understanding of the word 'shallow' is different!
`lifeasithappens
your response really got me thinking becoz that's exactly how i also felt, although for jsut a second! i was like, ummm.. here i thought i was so cool, and had my own set of quirky thoughts etc etc, and there i find that everyone has them! sometimes i feel the same way when i read people's comments on my posts too!! hehehehe..
`zoxcleb
yes, we need to see both sides of a person/argument etc etc.. we need not necessarily agree with it, but atleast we should 'SEE' the other side and not just dismiss it as if it doesnt exist! this has always been something i have strived for in my life, not always successful, but atleast trying!
`y?
is this an RV thing?! u will not believe i got the same comment from someone too! they said, u dont judge other people and never seem to have an opinion of ur own and thats why we feel reluctant to confide in u becoz we dont know whether u'll agree! and here i was, thinking all this time that 'neutrality' (and not judging people) would be taken well and appreciated! hehehehe.. and as i said to lifeasithappens earlier, i also have mixed feelings whne i find other people think/act/see things the same way.. its a double-edged sword.. if people didn't agree with u, u'd feel weird and left out.. if people did, u'd feel 'accepted' and yet feel that u've lost ur 'identity'! hmmm.. strange thing but nice, all the same!
i dont really know what to say on all that u've written cos so much has been said already..
but let me say this: its impeccable manners to actually answer each comment like you do with so much sincerity
`satyajit
hey thanks.. thats a nice thing to say :-)
a lot of it makes sense actually :)
insecure...men or women.. eveyrone is insecure to a certain extent arent they? because there cannever be complete certaintly in anyone's life...but the problem arises when this uncertainty begins to rule ur life...when the future becomes more important than the present...
Hey nice observation there..
and fairly concluded.
Unknowingly we engender some prejudices, which more often than not, cloud our rationality and prevent us from reaching out to the other person.
It's a pleasant surprise though..to discover the vulnerabilty of an apparent flint heart or self-obssessed Prima donna..
They are, very much a part of us..
Your post says a lot I would have wanted to say myself
Great work :)
"There are times when you don't know people well enough, but still pass judgments on them based on certain incidents"
...yes soemtimes it happens often with me!
`neha
yes, i agree totally, and thats why they say 'live in the present moment' which is probably the only certain thing in anyone's life!
`aparna
yes, although it may sound a little sadist, but finding that the other person "suffers" from the same doubts as u do makes them more 'accessible' in some way!
`white forest
yup, happens to the best of us :-)
oh, and welcome to my blog girls!
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