What makes you tick?

This question has been revolving in my head for some time now... What motivates us to achieve something? What drives us to push ourselves forward and get something we wanted? Do we all have that drive, or are just some of us unnecessarily chasing dreams and pushing ourselves too hard? Because when one dream is fulfilled, the human mind turns to fulfill another, almost never happy with the current state of things..

What is the reason why we want to change our present and look to another future? It's not necessarily unhappiness or dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs... people can be motivated and determined to 'do something' simply (or not so simply) as an ego boost, or if they felt that they had to prove something to others.. or it could be because of money... yes, I believe for many people money is a big motivation, although I personally know of only one person who desires money enough to have no life at all and work almost 20 hours a day! He does earn more than $500,000 and he's just 32, so I guess I don't blame him! But I don't know if I could ever do that...

Me, I'm a true Scorpio... power and position motivates me... I find it sexy. On a man and a woman. And I don't mean it in the way politicians and bureaucrats have it or use it, but as being the person in charge. That gives me a high. To be in control, that makes me want to do things. And credit. Aaah! Am such a sucker for being given the credit for the work I do. I feel instantly charged when someone gives me credit for the work I have accomplished, and feel highly deflated when I don't get recognized. This I believe is normal, atleast it should be!

But someone told me something yesterday, that jarred in my brain. It was their opinion of why I am so determined to achieve certain things in life, of why I push myself harder than I need to - and unfortunately - it was true. And it's been on my mind since that moment. And surprisingly, I don't feel guilty about it. I think I may have accepted some things about myself.

So what motivates you, if at all? Is it money? Is it a need to provide for your loved ones? Is it a need to fulfill what others expect of you, or atleast what you think they expect of you? Is it the desire to be looked up to or envied by others around you? Would you even feel happy if someone envied you?!

What makes you strive for something, whether it be for better or worse?

You're my favourite... mistake...

Of late, I've been singing this song aloud in my head (I know that 'singing aloud in the head' doesn't make sense, but its' just like when people say they have voices in their head... ummm... oops... maybe I've started off on a looney note.. let's restart)...

Of late, this particular song has been running through my head - Sheryl Crow's "You're my favourite mistake"... it pops into my head at the oddest of times, like its sending me a message.. like everytime I enter Macy's! It's like - I know it's all wrong to do any more shopping, but I still just got to do it... and it's not just during Sales.. sometimes I go during a one-day sale and buy stuff that's not on sale! (Mental note to self: duh!). Although I have over-shopped and saturated myself (sigh, never thought this day would come) and to my credit, I haven't bought anything - for myself - since New Year's (except 3 formal suits which burnt a big hole in my pocket - hey, I needed those! Dont say "Yeah right!"), I do still get that irresistible urge to just buy something, anything, every time I walk into the mall.. so I've had to physically restrict my movements nowadays! :) (Actually, that may be true of a lot of things... when you get an irresistible urge to do something, the only way to stop yourself is to physically restrict yourself from doing it, because your mind won't stop you all by itself!!)

So, the song pops into my head all the time - when I am eating a nice sinful chocolate brownie sundae, when I am in a shoe shop, when I'm eating nice hot garam pakodas on a rainy/snowy day, when I'm at an electronics shop checking out a Blackberry for my next buy.. sigh!

Anyways, talking about favourites, IR tagged me (back) and the questions ask my favourite movie, song, food etc... and since I've been lagging behind in the tagging business, here goes:

Favourite movie (one you can watch again and again) and why: This has got to be a tie between DCH and Sholay... DCH for being funny yet deeply emotional and moving at the same time, and Sholay for.... the same reason! I guess it shows the kind of person I am! Lol!

Favourite song and why: This I'd have to think about, because there are many, but I think I'll have to go with 'Nothing Else Matters'... why?? Because!!!

Any quirks: Many. But the biggest quirk is probably that I can't even read, let alone write, a badly formatted document or write up or post!! It bugs the hell out of me if someone asks me to review something for them, and I find it badly formatted, and with Times New Roman font!! Hate that one!! Pls forgive my strangeness!

Favourite food: I'm not a foodie (nobody laugh), and I believe chocolates and chocolate cakes don't count as "food", they're more in the "sin" category. So, I'm going to go with what I really want to eat right now, which is fettucini alfredo pasta :)

Any strange/funny childhood belief that you have carried with you? When I was 6 years old, I watched Sholay for the first time. When Amitabh Bachhan died, I howled and cried buckets of tears because I thought that he really died! To this date, I cry whenever AB dies or cries because I feel his pain!! Lol!

Your first lesson in life: will probably be my last one as well, because I never seem to learn... and that is to never have expectations from anyone, even people very close to you, because you will always be let down, and that's life. And sometimes strangers and least known acquitances will do something for you that will change your life. That's life too.

I don't want to tag anyone in particular, but whoever wants to do this one, please go ahead!

Chicken and egg story..

Do you think that it's true that the happier and more content human beings we are, the more people will flock around us and be drawn to us, or is the converse true - that the more people are attracted to us, the more happier and content we are?! It's like, did the chicken come first or the egg? It's like the following riddle:

"The statement below is true."


"The statement above is false."

I'd like to believe it's the first, but I think it's usually the second that applies..


On this happy note, let me ask another pertinent question - do you think people who keep pets, especially dogs and maybe cats, are emotionally unstable and lack love in their life from human beings and therefore seek it in animals who are mute and dependent on them?

I'd like to believe it's because of the sake of the pet itself that we keep them, but I think it's usually because we seek unconditional (or conditional, like in case of a cat) acceptance and companionship that we do....


And what will you do if you wanted to pursue your dream, but that would entail giving up a good opportunity at the present moment?

I'd like to believe I'd pursue my dream, but I think I'm risk-averse and would "settle" for a bird in hand rather than two in the bush... or just maybe I'll gather enough courage and believe in myself and God that my dream can come true...

The rest is still unwritten...

So it's that time of the year again when one has to take stock of what one has achieved in the year that has just flown by, and what one wants to do with the coming year... I was looking at my New Year post written on the same day last year, and am afraid of repeating myself! However, I shall conitnue for the sake of tradition...

Last year I thought I had everything figured out, I thought I knew what was going to happen almost on a month by month basis! And although I'm not usually clairvoyant (yes, sometimes I am, but that's another story), but a lot of it came pretty much true! Of course, there's always surprises, there's always hope and sometimes hopelessness, and that's what keeps up the spice in life...

But 2008 - I have no idea what it holds for me! I can't predict this year because there's no history... It's scary because of the uncertainty... it's like stepping into the dark in an unfamiliar house.. you're on your own, nothing to go by... so many possibilities and yet you don't know which one will work and which won't work... life seems like it's on an Improbability Drive, you don't know where you're going to land up finally!

And yet, I feel positive about it, or at least make myself believe that I do.. because you are what your thoughts are.

I feel inclined to do whatever I can to make the best of the times and not let years go passing by without a sense of fulfillment. And though I don't believe in New Year resolutions, I do believe that a fresh start at the beginning of the year can give you perspective (and here I've failed already, because the start of this year was anything but "fresh" for me!! Too much partying and then sleeping at 6 in the morning doesn't seem like such a good idea now)...

[I'm irritated though that my birthday and the new year come so close by.. this whole reminiscing and taking stock thing is too much pressure so close together in the year!]

And I do know that I want to do the following things for sure this year. And hopefully this published post will remind me of my own promises and kick me into action whenever I forget.

- Learn another new language, maybe Spanish this time, so that I can choose whichever option I want when calling customer service!
- Get back to singing (outside the bathroom)... oh yes, though none of you will fortunately be subjected to this torture, I plan to get back to singing... so many hours shall be spent re-discovering Sa Re Ga Ma Pa.
- Graduate from the bunny slope and be able to ski at the next level.
- Stop wearing shades of black, grey, white and brown most of the time (and for all you men out there, different shades of white DO exist!!)
- Give more time to myself instead of my job, laptop and sleep.
- Learn how to say no (because saying no to someone you don't like/isn't your friend doesn't count as much as saying no to someone you do like/is your friend)
- Travel to another new country.. ok now this is stretching it. But then maybe not.
- Somehow, just somehow be able to convey to my family how much I love them and am grateful for all they've done and sacrificed for me. And always be there for them the way they've been there for me.
- Stop crying in every emotional scene I see in a movie (recently I cried myself silly watching Taare Zameen Par - brilliant movie though!!)

Ok, I think I need to stop before I spill over to 2009!!

So, on this positive note, I'm ready to take on what 2008 holds for me, and hopefully find what I've been searching for!


Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...
-- Natasha Bedingfield

A nice cuppa coffee is what I want...

I've been meaning to blog for a few days, but there just seems to be either too much happening, or too little, both of which means that I couldn't think of what to post! My trip home was great, spent a lot of time with my family, a few close friends, watched SRK's bulging unnatural muscles, discovered that Shahid Kapur is not as kiddish looking as I used to think and can look quite "ogglable" (I know thats not a word) and lost a good amount of weight - so as to justify why apparently my friends on Facebook think I'm 'number 2 person with the best body' in my network! Lol! (And yes, I'd like to know who is number 1!) I also met one of the music directors of OSO in Mumbai, and it was nice to see that success still hasn't gone to his head! Not that I know Bollywood people too well, but I think they're basically all megalomaniacs or some such...

The funny thing about life is that it doesn't turn out the way you planned it... Take these 2 weeks that I spent at home for example.. they turned out to be the exact opposite of what I had planned... I wanted to meet this particular friend of mine, and just before I reached Delhi, he had an accident that had him bedridden for like 3 weeks.. things would have been so different had we met, makes me wonder about the timing! And I'd thought it would be the most hectic trip ever, but turned out to be the most relaxed, with no shopping and no meeting relatives!

I missed a cousin's wedding thanks to the best Indian Airlines service that just cancels flights at the last minute without offering any alternatives to the passengers! But that's just as well because that meant I could legitimately avoid all conversations that usually go like this "So, when are you getting married? Haven't found anyone in the US yet?! These days girls go after what they want, you should too! Wait, let me talk to my sister's husband's friend's nephew - very nice boy, earning lots of money, doesn't/didn't have a American or Indian gf [picture me rolling my eyes with a 'yeah right'!], and better still, he's also on the East coast - in Texas"! To which I'd reply, smiling sweetly "Thanks for your concern Auntie, but I'm not sure you're the right person to be doing any kind of match-making. Awww, don't worry about me, I'll find a nice boy myself. And Texas is at quite a (safe) distance from the East coast anyways"... hmmm.. thank God for the unreliability of Indian Airlines :)

Somethng that happened this time also made me realize that I'm such a bad liar! You know, lying requires lots of practice! For someone who is used to talking straight from the heart and usually either speaking their mind OR keeping shut (which does not tantamount to lying per se!), lying means getting caught in their own web of "oh god, what did I tell him?... oh shit, is that what I told her the last time? Damn!" - Results can be disastrous. Oh yeah. For example, someone you used to know can suddenly bump into you at the international airport lounge and have you fumbling to try to figure out what you told them the last time you spoke, and so whether you're going to Paris or to the US or to Timbuktoo - which one is the "right" answer?!

Anyways, now that I'm back, I've got enough time to think about Life, the Universe and Everything, take some time to figure out what I want (most importantly which car I want to buy) and devise ways to get my work done while avoiding walking, talking or driving in the snow. Ah, and yes, drink a nice hot cup of coffee.


Promise to be back with a more coherent and less cryptic post the next time!

From Spring to Fall...

There’s a green, a faded yellow and a bright lemon. A deep maroon looks down upon me and a sudden bright red peeks out from the corner and surprises me. Sunlight falls on one and it lights up in a magnificent golden. There’s a mehndi orange, there’s a pumpkin orange and an orange the colour of mahogany furniture. They mingle easily with the tangerine yellow and the yellow the colour of corn… the rust gives way to the more assertive vermillion red, which overpowers the others… As I look out the window, there is a profusion of colours, each distinct yet existing in harmony… the number of shades on the leaves of all these trees is awe-inspiring! And even though the branches will soon be bare and look lonely, it seems as if they are enjoying the present in a celebration of colours and of life itself!

Fall is here. I moved here in Spring. I remember I wrote about spring, of hope, of blooming of life. It’s been 6 months since then. And with another milestone coming up in a week (those of you who know what it is, please treat this as a reminder that if nothing else, I want at least calls/emails!), I’ve been doing some self-analysis and have reached some conclusions… but that’s for later… What’s striking me the most right now is the mind’s ability to adapt to circumstances, situations, new places, new phases and new faces at rapid speed!

For example, I am amazed at how quickly my brain has adapted to driving on the right side of the road! In fact, the other day I was watching a Hindi movie and for a second I thought, ‘why is this guy driving on the “wrong” side of the road?’!

In 6 months, I’ve learnt to say “we” instead of “I” in office. For example, even if it was only me who worked on a document, I say “we drafted this”. This is the culture here, and I think it may be more of a CYA strategy rather than a display of teamwork, but in any case, in Rome, you got to do as the Romans!

Traveling at 85 km/h has become more the norm rather than the exception now! In fact, sometimes I have to speed up more to avoid slowing down someone behind me…

Standing in lines patiently, awaiting your turn is more pleasant now since I don’t have fat uncles or bullies who shove their way to the front of the line before me…

I’m drinking tea from a teabag, adding milk later! (God help me on this one! I’ve no idea when I got accustomed to this, but I miss the Indian chai like hell!)

I find it easier thinking in Fahrenheit than converting into Celsius and then figuring out how hot or cold it is or would be… (this may have something to do with my abominable math skills too!)

And in these 6 months, I’ve learnt that distance is a much bigger healer than time.

But, I still can’t adjust to this – how Americans have a name for every ailment that ever happened to anyone! They have a syndrome for every condition you ever thought of! The best yet is the ‘restless legs’ syndrome! And of course there’s ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder. And everyone is self-diagnosing it and shouting from the rooftop, I have ADD. I can’t concentrate on one thing for a long time. Hmmm. You need a spank, not a drug.

But I know I’ve become addicted to blogging more in these past 6 months than before as a means of expressing myself, sometimes as a means of self-discovery, sometimes for entertainment, sometimes to vent my feelings and sometimes to share my joy. And I know that you all have been with me through this ongoing journey, and I’m glad and grateful for that!

Because it’s been quite a journey, these 6 months. Quite like any other previously. It was different in Paris, different before Paris. But these 6 months have been a real mix of the good and the bad, intertwined so intricately that I can’t distinguish the good times from the bad! Which is just as well, because it means that it has all turned out good. Thank God for that.

When I grow up...

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have a family here in the US whom I’ve been staying with these past couple of months… I have 2 cousins here, and yesterday I was having this “family bonding session” with the kids when we started talking about what they wanted to do when they grow up… Given that I am already “grown up” I wasn’t allowed to add my own dreams to the conversation, so I sat there and listened to them, all starry-eyed and full of ideas as they were, and sat back and thought about what it was like when you still had many options that you could choose from! And decided that if the kids won't listen to my dreams, you will! :))

I think my very first memories were of wanting to become a police officer! I think my parents were discussing Kiran Bedi one evening… I was so taken up by the whole idea of fighting for justice against the wrong-doers and the woman power thing that I was all in favour of becoming one hell of a dynamic police officer, fighting my way through corruption and crime and helping turn around the world, or atleast the country, or atleast my state… hehehehe, ofcourse then I grew up and realized what a distant dream this was.. and I know my parents breathed a sigh of relief…

Then later, I wanted to give my life to fighting for the environment such as the likes of Medha Patkar, working for the cause of saving this earth! My school was responsible for putting this idea into my head, no one else. They encouraged us to stop using plastic bags, taught us about recycling and biodegradable versus non-biodegradable waste, showed us how to make compost pits (many a Sunday afternoons were spent hauling wheelbarrows full of cow dung from the dairy farm near our campus and food waste from the dining hall!!) and made us aware of the possible repercussions of having MNCs take over all our indigenous industries. Oh yeah, that’s my school. And that’s way back in the 90s, when it wasn’t a “fad” to do this! And no it wasn’t brainwashing either, they didn’t force us to boycott Pepsi and Coke - we just did so, you know, being young and all adrenalin-charged like! (P.S: No we weren’t involved in the vandalizing of KFC in Bangalore, in case you were wondering)… Anyways, I still remember one time I ordered Thums Up at a restaurant while I gave my family a lecture about how Coke/Pepsi should be thrown out of the country, when my Dad politely pointed out to me that Thums Up was a Coke company product, smugly smiling as he turned the bottle so I could see that indeed it was! In time of course I realized there’s no money in fighting for the environment, so I left it at that. However, to do this dream justice, I still to this day avoid using plastic bags, don’t use the A/C so I don’t add to the ozone layer depletion directly, and always recycle whatever I can.

And the last and possibly the most passionate dream I had, and one I still think of pursuing sometime in my life, was of becoming a dancer… a full-fledged dancer in a troupe or individually, doing stages shows, going around the world performing, creating and then basking in the audience applause… dancing till it hurts, dancing till it becomes enough to live on, dancing till I reach nirvana (reference to the Sufi style of meditation)… And its this one that I can’t let go of, its this one that I truly regret not having pursued, its this one dream that nags at me every time I meet someone who has had the guts to follow their heart and be true to themselves…

So, what did you dream of becoming when you grew up?

From American Idol to Sa Re Ga Ma Pa!

Its the journey I was afraid I may have to take!

Let me introduce you guys to my uncle - my mom's younger brother - whom I'm seeing for the first time in 15 yrs.. so he's missed my entire teen years, the rebellion years, the formative years, the mellowing down years, the responsible years and finally the mature years (not to be confused with hair-turning-grey years).. so he's kinda missed the part of life when you form your own opinions, blossom from being influenced by your parents choice to being influenced by the latest youth icon's choice! So, he has no idea what influences have shaped my taste in music, books or tv serials!

So the thing is this, I love almost any kinda music that has a decent beat and rhythm, and doesnt sound like kitchen utensils banging against each other (so therefore we rule out hardrock)... and like any other normal person I know, I listen to both English and Hindi music, and sometimes Tamil stuff too! (courtesy having studied in a school in South India, where Roja music was preferred to be heard in Tam than Hindi).. apparently, thats not the same here, in the US! I'm not saying my cousins are desis who've never heard an English song in their lives (which btw sounds very snooty anyways!).. but they're hardly exposed to the stuff that we've been exposed to India.. I know one of my cousins doesn't know who Jim Morrison is (was).. it is a sad day this..

Anyways, getting back to the point, I was more than a little surprised when I came here to find that my kiddie cousins knew more about Saloni (forgive me Zee, but its just not the kinda stuff I'd want my 13 yr old to be watching - what with the jealousy, murder plots and wicked-looking big sisters!) than they did about me! And the family huddles around the tv every Friday (which is today, which is what prompted me to write this post) to watch Sa Re Ga Ma Pa devotedly.. and post show, an in-depth dinner-table analysis of each and every singer, judge and host is done (as if everyone's life depended on who won!)! Ok, I agree I had about the same level of devotion to watching American Idol back in Delhi.. I wouldn't miss Weds and Thurs shows if I could help it, and right till the time I came here, I was totally abreast of Antonella's bold pics, Sanjaya's mowhawk hairstyle and Simon & Ryan's little disagreements on live tv... and now when, if at all, I finally find which of the 1000 channels on tv is hosting the show, and settle down with a satisfied smile to watch the Americans fight it out, I'm faced with a barrage of opinions on how bad English music sounds coz they just seem to be shouting (which I agree they sometimes are!) and how the whole system is rotting! And after a while, I give up, turn off the show and watch safer options like 'Hannah Montana' or 'Spongebob Squarepants' (for those in India who haven't seen or heard of these shows, its ok, you haven't missed much)...

Well, its not all to say that my uncle is steeped in Indian traditions that he hasn't broken loose from in the past 20 years in Amreeka.. when it really comes right down to it, he's nothing like the traditional conservative person he jokes around to be.. but its entertaining nonetheless to have him beat down high-school proms, online chatting, rock music and kissing scenes in Hollywood movies! Not that it affects me in any way (I'm a grown up girl remember... I've already made my choices, good or bad!) - except that I'm going to be spending yet another Friday night watching Himesh Reshammiya get sentimental and shout to justify his song choices (and himself)...

So much for my journey to the "heart of the Western world"!

:))

P.S. No family members were harmed during the making of this post.